Author Topic: Couples - make sure you really agree (Read 1918 times)

Änσnymσus · « **on:** November 18, 2022, 11:12:31 AM »

I thought I agreed with my wife on homeschooling our kids. Technically we did both agree we wanted to homeschool our kids. Turns out we both had radically different views of homeschooling. I thought homeschooling meant the kids were taught at home. She thinks it's a series of online classes, some parent-led classes, activities outside the home with other homeschoolers, going out to every free and cheap event on the weekends, and plenty of extra curricular activities. Lots of dropping kids off during the week. She is basically a chauffeur, going out 4 days out of 5. Not what I imagined at all when I was a newlywed, looking forward to homeschooling my family someday. I'm much more content at home, and we have designed our living situation around that.
Even worse, she more or less despises my family at least how they turned out, so she's paranoid about any of our kids turning out even 10 percent like them. It really hurts my feelings. As dysfunctional as a few members of my family are, they're still my family. And I'm still from that family as well. So to avoid turning out like me and my family at all costs, she goes out of her way to socialize them. I feel like she's going overboard. She doesn't know when to call it quits. If she cancelled just one class, she would feel like she's on a slippery slope and wouldn't know where to stop. She would think she might as well give up on everything, and our kids would all instantly turn into the worst of my family members. That's how she feels. That's what it seems like to me. She's one of those compulsive perfectionists.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #1 on:** November 18, 2022, 11:39:03 AM »

Huh? Most people do homeschooling exactly like that: online classes, some parent-led classes, activities outside the home with other homeschoolers, going out to every free and cheap event on the weekends, and plenty of extra curricular activities. May not be the most ideal but I also don't see what is essentially wrong with all those.

AMDGJMJ · « **Reply #2 on:** November 18, 2022, 02:34:56 PM »

Quote from: Änσnymσus on November 18, 2022, 11:12:31 AM

I thought I agreed with my wife on homeschooling our kids. Technically we did both agree we wanted to homeschool our kids. Turns out we both had radically different views of homeschooling. I thought homeschooling meant the kids were taught at home. She thinks it's a series of online classes, some parent-led classes, activities outside the home with other homeschoolers, going out to every free and cheap event on the weekends, and plenty of extra curricular activities. Lots of dropping kids off during the week. She is basically a chauffeur, going out 4 days out of 5. Not what I imagined at all when I was a newlywed, looking forward to homeschooling my family someday. I'm much more content at home, and we have designed our living situation around that.
Even worse, she more or less despises my family at least how they turned out, so she's paranoid about any of our kids turning out even 10 percent like them. It really hurts my feelings. As dysfunctional as a few members of my family are, they're still my family. And I'm still from that family as well. So to avoid turning out like me and my family at all costs, she goes out of her way to socialize them. I feel like she's going overboard. She doesn't know when to call it quits. If she cancelled just one class, she would feel like she's on a slippery slope and wouldn't know where to stop. She would think she might as well give up on everything, and our kids would all instantly turn into the worst of my family members. That's how she feels. That's what it seems like to me. She's one of those compulsive perfectionists.

Everyone has different ideas about homeschooling and everyone has different strengths and weaknesses...

I grew up being completely homeschooled at home by my novus ordo parents except for music lessons and homeschool sports. They started homeschooling back in the 80's when it was a lot more difficult and people supported it a lot less than in these days. Now in my home town there are numerous "homeschooling co-ops" and classes which people can be a part of with their children. That wasn't really even an option when we were growing up evnt though we lived 5 minutes from Seton Home Study School.

Is your wife more of an extrovert and are you an introvert? Your wife might need more time with people than you do. She also might feel more overwhelmed teaching all the classes herself. It isn't for everyone. At least she is doing "homeschooling courses" and keeping them out of public school. Some traditional Catholic families I have known haven't even been able to do that.

Have you talked to your wife about your concerns? Maybe just hearing why she is doing it differently than you thought she would might help you sympathize with her more.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #3 on:** November 18, 2022, 02:55:50 PM »

Yes. Many in our area home school at home with workbooks. (No online. If any very limited for older children). Yes many wonderful free get togethers at Shrines, zoos, hiking trails and playgrounds. Daily Mass, Rosary and junior Legion of Mary.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #4 on:** November 18, 2022, 03:04:29 PM »

We had a couple mom’s drop off their children so they could have a break. But most were on site with other parents.

Have patience with your wife.

Nadir · « **Reply #5 on:** November 18, 2022, 05:12:34 PM »

Well, how are the children doing? Are they progressing?

There’s no set way to do homeschooling. Just think of it as traditional family based education. I’ve even known “unschooled” children (not my cuppa tea) to turn out as balanced talented adults able to make their way in the world.

She sounds like a good Mum, but I don’t like the sound of “basically a chauffeur”. You will need to get together to discuss, make adaptions as necessary and work together.

What part do you take in their education? Your role is very important.

jen51 · « **Reply #6 on:** November 18, 2022, 08:31:37 PM »

Do you find the way she homeschools to be damaging to the family? Do you feel that the activities and groups that she and the kids are in are a threat to their morals and religious upbringing?

I know a lot of homeschooling moms do it like your wife and it works well for them. I myself prefer to do most all of the educating at home, but my kids are young. We don’t do any co-ops or anything like that. I might if there were more like minded people in my area. We live in the country, and our nearest towns are very small towns. I do tend to think that too many outside activities take away from the holiness of a home.

I hope you can have some good open communication with your wife. Is she open to discussing this all with you? Does she know you feel rather hurt by her rejection of your family? Maybe she doesn’t realize that she’s making you feel rejected by the way she feels about your family.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #7 on:** November 18, 2022, 10:07:29 PM »

I wouldn't worry too much about your wife criticizing your family. I don't claim to have even the slightest knowledge of the female mind, but my mother did it quite a bit with my father as well. I think it is some psychological thing where she is self conscious or self righteous about of her own family, while also in a backwards way complimenting you on how well you turned out with such a difficult family. What do we know though, we are men and our minds don't work like that.

I was home schooled in a way that you describe, and I think I turned out alright. However, I played a lot of sports, began working at 13 years old, and had brothers to hang out with. I could see why your wife would be putting your kids through a bunch of activities. A lot of home schooled folks that I knew were really socially awkward, making them difficult to be around. If you have girls, I don't have any advice for you, because I only grew up with brothers. If you have boys and begin teaching them only at home, make sure you get them into sports or something to get them around other kids, otherwise they might end up awkward and effeminate. That's just what I've experienced, but I'm not a father yet, so take it with a grain of salt.

Good luck and God bless.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #8 on:** November 23, 2022, 02:35:40 PM »

I homeschooled my 2 youngest sons. What was missing was competitive activities with other boys so I got them involved in JROTC. It was a lifesaver. Don't take this the wrong way but some homeschooled boys are.....effeminate. I'm not saying all of them but many have spent too much time with mothers and older sisters. Some have child care duties...yikes!!! Isolation could be bad for melancholic types and all boys need a strong masculine teacher at some point in their education. Momma can't do this and Daddy is busy working.

My oldest is a priest and has taught at a minor seminary. He says he can frequently tell who were homeschooled because they are timid and socially awkward compared to boys who went to school. Not the best formation and if they have a religious vocation extra years are required to fill in gaps. Again I am pro-homeschooling however........there needs to be a mix of individual and group activities for boys at least with male leadership.

Obviously rigorous parental monitoring needs to be in place to ensure moral integrity is maintained.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #9 on:** November 26, 2022, 11:47:00 AM »

setting out boundaries is important.

The Mrs · « **Reply #10 on:** November 27, 2022, 01:07:42 PM »

Great topic! I have similar concerns about socializing my homeschooled children that your wife has. My husband is against my children socializing with people who are not traditional Catholic. I really think sometimes it boils down to the differences between men and women. We women folk want to see our children thrive in social situations but it’s very difficult to do that if our kids are kept in a bubble. Yes, they have siblings but that is not the same thing as communicating with other kids their age on a regular basis. I shudder to think of my kids being antisocial and awkward as adults but my husband overrides me so, I guess I should be resigned to his will in this and let God handle it.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #11 on:** November 27, 2022, 01:34:23 PM »

I figure it's better to be an awkward antisocial isolated catholic saint, than to be corrupted by bad influences, and be tempted by the pleasures of this world because the other kids get to do those fun things. We are just travelers in a strange land on our way home to heaven.

Ladislaus · « **Reply #12 on:** November 27, 2022, 04:00:21 PM »

Quote from: The Mrs on November 27, 2022, 01:07:42 PM

Great topic! I have similar concerns about socializing my homeschooled children that your wife has. My husband is against my children socializing with people who are not traditional Catholic. I really think sometimes it boils down to the differences between men and women. We women folk want to see our children thrive in social situations but it’s very difficult to do that if our kids are kept in a bubble. Yes, they have siblings but that is not the same thing as communicating with other kids their age on a regular basis. I shudder to think of my kids being antisocial and awkward as adults but my husband overrides me so, I guess I should be resigned to his will in this and let God handle it.

I think there's a balance. I've seen families who raised their children in a bubble have that backfire on them badly and have the children probably end up worse off than if they had been associating with all kinds of bad friends the entire time. Sometimes it's due to a resentment that builds up, at other times a naivety, and still others a shock and inability to cope when they finally did come into contact with the non-Trad-Catholic world. I think a decent balance can be had in some homeschooling groups, where the majority of the parents don't let their kids go to school because they're trying to protect their faith and morals (even if they're not all Trad Catholics, or even Novus Ordo Catholics).

Ladislaus · « **Reply #13 on:** November 27, 2022, 04:08:30 PM »

Quote from: Änσnymσus on November 27, 2022, 01:34:23 PM

I figure it's better to be an awkward antisocial isolated catholic saint, than to be corrupted by bad influences, and be tempted by the pleasures of this world because the other kids get to do those fun things. We are just travelers in a strange land on our way home to heaven.

I'm afraid that's a bit of a false dilemma. Grace perfects nature, and being "awkward" and "antisocial" ... beyond a certain point ... can mess with nature, which then can become an impediment to true sanctity.

I've seen a fair number of these "antisocial isolated" Catholic children become anything BUT saints. And they can't live in a complete bubble. So you protect them from ALL temptation, but then when they inevitably have to get into the world (i.e. get jobs), they can't deal with even the slightest temptation that comes their way. Holiness is not inevitable if a child is simply kept isolated from the world, and it's more internal (a function of God's grace and cooperation of the will) that it is something that can be created by external conditions.

So while your sentiment is pious, it's rather naive and misguided.

Matthew very recently spoke of having known one of the Stafki brothers at seminary, and remarking about how he seemed very awkward and un- or even anti-social, due to isolation ... and we just had one of those priests sɛҳuąƖly assault his niece (commit incestuous pedophilia). I've seen things play out that way in other similar situations, where the parents seemed very devout, kept their children "safe" from temptation and corruption, but then have the girls immediately shack up with the first guy who said she was pretty, abandoning the faith, and the boys run off on a rampant fornication campaign and/or start using alcohol and drugs ... while no longer practicing the faith. They also resented their parents for making them be "weird" or "strange" to other people.

Nadir · « **Reply #14 on:** November 27, 2022, 07:30:58 PM »

In our experience of homeschooling we had no contact whatsoever with traditional Catholics or “regular” Catholics. We had a regional group made up of mostly new agers, prtestants and unbelievers.

Basically when our children had finished their set work for the day they were free to roam in the bush, swimming in the river, climbing rock, fighting (mostly defensive) with the schooled kids. They were pretty tough wild kids. They used to visit a “christian” community who also homeschooled. There would have been about 40 kids. They would play, discuss and argue with them about each others’ beliefs.

We left that locality when the eldest was 14 and the youngest 10.

We ourselves raised them in the diocesan system. The eldest is still in it, the other two SSPX and sede.

All sincere believing practicing Catholic. It’s basically what they choose, but although our situation is probably the most extreme on the board, contact with non traditional folk is an important part of the education as well as learning to defend themselves and how to pick good friends.

Author Topic: Couples - make sure you really agree (Read 1918 times)

Änσnymσus

Couples - make sure you really agree

Änσnymσus

Re: Couples - make sure you really agree

AMDGJMJ

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Änσnymσus

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Änσnymσus

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Nadir

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jen51

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Änσnymσus

Re: Couples - make sure you really agree

Änσnymσus

Re: Couples - make sure you really agree

Änσnymσus

Re: Couples - make sure you really agree

The Mrs

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Änσnymσus

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Ladislaus

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Ladislaus

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Nadir

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