As I understand it, crosses are burdens that we haven't caused or sought, but just the result of life and the things that happen. And that we are to accept these crosses without complaint understanding that we can offer them up and use them for our sanctification.
Now on the other hand, consequences are the result of our choices, actions and ultimately sins, things that happen when we go outside of God's will for our lives.
I had a surgical sterilization two decades ago after our second child was born. A couple of pertinent factors: I wasn't raised Catholic, had no Catechism of any kind and was "agnostic" until AFTER this surgery had been performed. I found out 4 years after the surgery that I'd committed a grave sin in the eyes of God and I've been suffering with the pain and regret of this transgression ever since.
The thing is that my H and I had/have always contracepted except for two tiny windows of time when we intentionally sought to conceive. Our relationship has always been impacted by this fact and I have never ever felt a sure trust and respect from my H about the "act" as having any meaning except as a physically pleasurable thing to do.
Specifically, what I understand now more than ever, although I did have some sense of pain and unhappiness about feeling like an object for our entire relationship, is that the conjugal act exists for two reasons:
1) procreation and 2) preventing one or both spouses from committing adultery.
I have never felt any bond with my H because of the conjugal act. How could I? The Church Fathers have said time and again that the act of contraception puts a real physical and emotional and spiritual barrier between the spouses.
So I don't think the constant pain and distance I've felt all these years is a cross, I think it's a consequence of the sin I've committed and my question comes now to penance. As soon as I understood what I'd done, I went to Confession, although I wasn't a Catholic at that time. My H confessed as well, but he thought and still seems to think that once you've confessed and been forgiven, that's all you have to do and you can live your life. He thinks that it's a lack of belief in God not to trust in His mercy and forgiveness. But I know we still, I still have to pay for this crime against God.
I do do penance in general. I have asked my priest about the conjugal act in regard to the grave sin committed and he said I'd better maintain that act evfen thought that sin was committed. But my conscience* will not rest. In my heart of hearts I believe that the punishment that fits the crime is probably to not live as husband and wife anymore. But my H will not agree to that. And I can't do this unilaterally and I am afraid of what it would do to our marriage because honestly without really strong spiritual reasons, it would kill our marriage, considering the condition it's been in for the last 5-6 years.
*But I don't know if demons are manipulating my emotions about this. I was listening to Fr. Ripperger yesterday, a talk called "Spiritual Protection" and he said that the demons will use your past sins against you and call up your emotions and encourage despair. I see that happening to me. I have been dogged by thoughts frequently, more frequently than ever the last few years, and thinking very negatively about my H in particular. I could see that the demons would like to use this against our marriage and cause division and strife.
Also, I did spend quite a bit of time after learning about the grave matter of this sin, trying to find out about having reversal surgery. It was very expensive, dangerous because of it being surgery and being put under anesthesia, not guaranteed and increased the chances of an ectopic pregnancy (which would mean the baby would attach to the fallopian tube instead of the uterine wall, and would have to be "removed" i.e., aborted, or we both would die) AND I had two babies at that time and couldn't see further risking my life and not being there to raise them.
I found out that there is no official teaching on paying penance for this sin. Some people of the NFP variety advocated only having relations on fertile days. A theologian made the point that this is the only sin where one confesses it and goes back to doing the thing that was wrong in the first place. Not unlike the divorced and remarried situation. But the Church does not require surgery and also does not ask that the married couple abstain for the rest of their lives.
That said, we all know that there seems to be no way to really pay for this except abstinence.
This is tearing me apart, happy demons all, and I know I have to come to some resolution, but maybe that is a false goal. Maybe this continual unhappiness and torment IS the penance I am to uncomplainingly pay and maybe if I can master never expressing it or trying to make my H understand, it can be meritorious.
It's the hardest thing of all to engage in the marital act unfeelingly and unhappily and yet having to pretend otherwise.