Catholic Info
Traditional Catholic Faith => Anσnymσus Posts Allowed => Topic started by: Änσnymσus on March 19, 2016, 09:00:32 PM
-
What should a trad wife do if she finds. Out that her husband cheated her by having an affair with his office secretary?
-
Divorce him. Recognize that humans will fail, he has absolutely no respect for you and move on.
-
Divorce him. Recognize that humans will fail, he has absolutely no respect for you and move on.
I think this is the worst advice I have ever seen anyone give on this forum. Divorce should be a last resort for Catholics, and should even be illegal. Do everything possible to save the marriage because even if you get a civil divorce you will always be married till death do you part in the eyes of God.
-
Divorce him. Recognize that humans will fail, he has absolutely no respect for you and move on.
Do not be ridiculous.
-
Divorce him. Recognize that humans will fail, he has absolutely no respect for you and move on.
I think this is the worst advice I have ever seen anyone give on this forum. Divorce should be a last resort for Catholics, and should even be illegal. Do everything possible to save the marriage because even if you get a civil divorce you will always be married till death do you part in the eyes of God.
Have fun saying that when the husband impregnates that secretary. It is for reasons like this that she must divorce. Other reasons no, but this is a must.
-
I divorced my cheating spouse to protect myself from legal and financial exploitation at the hands of a wicked American jurisprudence system. And this individual is currently carrying on a very public affair and could care less about me and our marriage. Yep he's a so called "trad Catholic". This was the remedy of last resort after years and years of counseling, broken promises, health crises, legal problems, you name it. He just wants what he wants and wedding vows are not going to stop him. I imagine he will stop when he gets AIDS or a jealous person kills him. :facepalm: Those who disagree with this might think differently after having your assets stolen by a court to pay child support arrearages for a bastard child born of infidelity.
I don't regret it one bit.
EDIT: In my case my spouse cheated the entire marriage not just a one-off fling.
-
Go to your priest. And acknowledge to your husband that you know. If he has a conscience it will scare him. If he has a conscience, he will want out, and you tell him to see the priest, NOW. If he goes on, in mortal sin, the next thing will be the devil encouraging him to commit ѕυιcιdє.
Ask God for His Son's Precious Blood! Plead with all the cohort of the heavens and those in purgatory to help in prayers and intercession.
How old is your husband? Are there children? His age? If he is age 40 or more, his hormones may be like those of women at that age. they need b complex shots. Some may feel the "empty nest" syndrome. But act quick! Let your husband know what you know and see how he reacts. Prayers-Songbird.
-
Go to your priest. And acknowledge to your husband that you know. If he has a conscience it will scare him. If he has a conscience, he will want out, and you tell him to see the priest, NOW. If he goes on, in mortal sin, the next thing will be the devil encouraging him to commit ѕυιcιdє.
People who cheat do not commit ѕυιcιdє. That is the absolute last thing they would do. They have no remorse, so usually they'd cheat more.
-
Any man that neglects his family and cheats on his wife isn't a Traditional Catholic.
He is a low life.
-
Go to your priest. And acknowledge to your husband that you know. If he has a conscience it will scare him. If he has a conscience, he will want out, and you tell him to see the priest, NOW. If he goes on, in mortal sin, the next thing will be the devil encouraging him to commit ѕυιcιdє.
Ask God for His Son's Precious Blood! Plead with all the cohort of the heavens and those in purgatory to help in prayers and intercession.
How old is your husband? Are there children? His age? If he is age 40 or more, his hormones may be like those of women at that age. they need b complex shots. Some may feel the "empty nest" syndrome. But act quick! Let your husband know what you know and see how he reacts. Prayers-Songbird.
Wait and take emergency money to protect children.
Then wife should fix herself up and go to the office with a nice lunch for her husband and tell the tramp secretary to leave her husband alone.
-
I think that the first thing that you should do is talk it over with your husband. If he does not plan to make amends, then talk to a good priest. He will give you the advice that you need to hear...
It is a tough battle, but the persevering wife, often can save the soul of her husband by sticking with him through everything if possible...
-
I'm remaining anonymous in this post because of what I am about to say.
I'm married to a pathological liar. Do those of you here who are advocating this couple stay together realize how essential trust is to a marriage? Once it's gone, you don't get it back.
My advice to the person who started the thread would be to separate. If he wants a divorce to marry his sweetie, give it to him.
-
What should a trad wife do if she finds. Out that her husband cheated her by having an affair with his office secretary?
You say cheated...does that mean the affair is over?
Does your husband know you know about it?
Did he tell you?
How did you find out?
How long have you known?
Is this the first time?
How long have you been married?
Are children involved?
Do you have income of your own?
Not enough info for anyone to comment on.
This has to be looked at calmly so mistakes are not made in the heat of the moment.
Pain wants immediate relief but amputation is permanent.
-
Regardless of what you do GET TESTED for STD's.
If you reconcile make sure HE tests negative before resuming relations.
-
A) Don’t confront him. He will just take his affair underground. He’s demonstrated how deceptive he is. Speak to a good priest first (preferably an older one who has a good grasp on the realities of married life). But having an “honest conversation” about his extracurriculars, “Hey honey, tell me how your needs aren’t being met…” — is setting yourself up for MORE manipulation. Manipulation has been his strategy all along. Why would he change tactics now when so much is at stake? His goal has been cake — his affair and his chump. He will cycle through the three channels — rage, self-pity, and charm — to keep you in your place. Or worse he will play the mistress against you, a diabolic maneuver called “triangulation”.
B) Know your deal-breakers and grieve later. Don’t get caught up in who you thought he was, or who he could be — deal with WHO HE IS — a man who is brazenly cheating on you, and risking your health. It’s normal that you’ll still feel some love for him and raw emotion that your family life, as you thought it was, has died. Don’t let those feelings paralyze you or get in the way of you protecting yourself. It’s time to be a field marshall. You can fall apart later, in safety.
C) Get your finances in order. While you’re lining things up, make copies of all your financial docuмents. Run a credit report. Figure out your debts and your income. Do some sleuthing if you suspect he’s been siphoning off funds for his double life. Sadly, financial abuse often goes hand in hand with infidelity. These are monies you can ask for back in a divorce. Don’t think a divorce court won’t assign debt to you just because you might be a stay at home mom. Do you want to be forced to work to pay off his credit card debts for gifts he bought for his guppy?
D) Get a support network. You are dealing with a monumental shock and you need all kinds of support now. First things first—make a good general confession to your traditional priest. Make an appointment with a family attorney to get informed about the laws in your community just in case your husband files for divorce after D-Day (Disclosure Day). You may find that family and friends will not support you so that might not be the best place to go. A Catholic counselor (not a marriage counselor), might be someone who you can dump negative emotions during the crises. Do NOT, however, lean on your husband. You must fight an overwhelming urge to seek comfort from the person who hurt you — resist those feelings. They make you vulnerable to more manipulation, the consequences of which could be very costly.
E) Get STD testing. Cheaters live in a magical reality.
F) Be the Sane Parent. When the going gets tough, focus on being strong for your kid(s) right now. Model self respect and resiliency to them. Don’t model codependent chumpdom. Their dad is checked out of family life — you can’t afford to be. They need you to have your wits about you. You should maintain yourself and not try to dress or act like the mistress. And please don’t have a revenge affair or pretend to have one. Don't turn to alcohol to help you sleep. Try 500 mg of magnesium at night. Exercise can help relieve stress as well as relaxing music.
G) Be open to reconciliation later. Right now you have a moral obligation to remove yourself and your children from the situation because of the immorality and potential for abuse. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be open to the possibility of reconciliation. You have a better chance of him repenting if he loses you and the children temporarily then if he can have you plus the mistress. But don’t rush it. It could take many months or years for him to get over himself and his selfishness. Catastrophic loss is the best way for him to learn his lesson.
H) Be real. Please don’t jump to wild rationalizations like “demonic possession”, “nєω ωσrℓ∂ σr∂єr syndrome” or “crisis of faith” to explain his behavior. And please do not let him convince you that those pesky extra 10 lbs you never lost after childbearing made him do it. That will only make you feel guilty and allow him to continue to manipulate you. And if he has low hormones (doubtful) or depression then he needs to see a doctor not take on a girlfriend. Again, you don’t need to be co-habitating for him to get his physical and mental health in order. You can seek his good and pray for him in a different home as well as in the same home.
Good luck. I’ll pray for you.
-
You might end up living a celibate life for the rest of your life, but what is that compared to eternity? I hope that things do work out between you and your husband, though.
-
What should a trad wife do if she finds. Out that her husband cheated her by having an affair with his office secretary?
Change the locks on your doors, put his clothes in boxes outside the garage door, and leave a note on the door telling the bum that he's out!
-
The wife should forgive the husband unconditionally and she should act as if she knows nothing about the affair.
-
She should confront him about it, but forgiving him is up to her.
Keep in mind, though, that although adultery is cause for separation/withholding the marriage debt indefinitely, she will never be free to remarry as long as her husband is alive. So think long and hard about it.
The wife (or husband, if roles are reversed) always has the option of "forgiving" or "not forgiving" adultery. If she opts for non-forgiveness, she can withhold the marriage debt indefinitely. I believe you'd have to physically separate in this case, as otherwise it would be a source of temptation for the husband. But once she forgives him, she can't change her mind later and "un-forgive him" for that same offense.
This is Catholic doctrine, by the way.
"Till death do us part."
A bad marriage or failed marriage is not a non-marriage.
-
Matthew is correct. It's a one-time opportunity to separate on grounds of adultery because if you choose to stay with him and he continues with same or different women you can no longer have a choice. You'll have to live with him as he is. I don't think a cheater has any incentive to repent when he's getting serviced by multiple women.
On the other hand if you separate you better be very very certain he won't do it again prior to a reconciliation. Better to wait many years until he is old and infirm. Once a cheater always a cheater. They don't care one iota for the sanctity and permanency of marriage.
That's why I kicked mine to the curb as soon as I realized it was now or never. Guess what? He didn't repent so I made the right choice.
-
"More souls go to Hell because of sins of the flesh than any other cause."
-Our Lady of Fatima
"An eternity of pain, suffering, angst, and despair in exchange for a few seconds of base, animal pleasure."
- Various saints, speaking about sins against the 6th and 9th
-
Matthew is correct. It's a one-time opportunity to separate on grounds of adultery because if you choose to stay with him and he continues with same or different women you can no longer have a choice. You'll have to live with him as he is. I don't think a cheater has any incentive to repent when he's getting serviced by multiple women.
If he does repent and promises not to cheat again, and she forgives him, that doesn't mean she has to accept further cheating and stay with him.
Let's say he cheats in March of 2016. He is sorry and promises to be faithful and they have a normal married life. If he stays faithful she cannot decide to abstain in October because he cheated back in March.
If he cheats again in October 2016 it's within her rights to abstain again permanently.
-
Matthew is correct. It's a one-time opportunity to separate on grounds of adultery because if you choose to stay with him and he continues with same or different women you can no longer have a choice. You'll have to live with him as he is. I don't think a cheater has any incentive to repent when he's getting serviced by multiple women.
If he does repent and promises not to cheat again, and she forgives him, that doesn't mean she has to accept further cheating and stay with him.
Let's say he cheats in March of 2016. He is sorry and promises to be faithful and they have a normal married life. If he stays faithful she cannot decide to abstain in October because he cheated back in March.
If he cheats again in October 2016 it's within her rights to abstain again permanently.
This doesn't sound like a church teaching. Can you post a source for this?
-
It's a new offense after the initial forgiveness.
-
Matthew is correct. It's a one-time opportunity to separate on grounds of adultery because if you choose to stay with him and he continues with same or different women you can no longer have a choice. You'll have to live with him as he is. I don't think a cheater has any incentive to repent when he's getting serviced by multiple women.
If he does repent and promises not to cheat again, and she forgives him, that doesn't mean she has to accept further cheating and stay with him.
Let's say he cheats in March of 2016. He is sorry and promises to be faithful and they have a normal married life. If he stays faithful she cannot decide to abstain in October because he cheated back in March.
If he cheats again in October 2016 it's within her rights to abstain again permanently.
This is correct. It's simple common sense.
A) You can't un-forgive someone.
B) If there is another offense, you're back to square one! Forgive or not forgive.
-
It's a new offense after the initial forgiveness.
No, I'm sorry Tiffany but the 1917 Code of Canon Law disagrees with you:
Canon 1129:
Because of the adultery of a spouse, the other spouse, the bond remaining, has the right of dissolving, even in perpetuity, the communion of life, unless he consented to the crime, or gave cause for it, ot otherwise expressly or tacitly condoned it, or indeed himself committed the same crime.
Tacit condonation is considered [to have occured] if the innocent spouse, after being made certain of the crime of adultery, freely engaged in marital affection with the other spouse; but it is presumed unless, within six month, he expels or abandons the adulterous spouse, or makes a legitimate accusation against the other.
The injured spouse has SIX MONTHS to separate from the adulterer otherwise she loses the right to ever separate in the future for adultery. Period. This law also says that her tacit condonation is assumed if she continues to live with him even if she doesn't have relations during that time.
This is not a "common sense" situation. The church law is clear.
-
Your quote agrees with Tiffany. If six months elapse and you IGNORE the situation, you lose your right to separate, but confronting the adulterer is an option alongside expulsion as stated in the last phrase.
This excerpt does not address whether or not a repeat offense would be handled differently.
-
Can someone please shed some light on this:
Matthew 9:
6Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. 7They say to him: Why then did Moses command to give a bill of divorce, and to put away? 8He saith to them: Because Moses by reason of the hardness of your heart permitted you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. 9And I say to you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and he that shall marry her that is put away, committeth adultery.
-
Can someone please shed some light on this:
Matthew 19:
6Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. 7They say to him: Why then did Moses command to give a bill of divorce, and to put away? 8He saith to them: Because Moses by reason of the hardness of your heart permitted you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. 9And I say to you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and he that shall marry her that is put away, committeth adultery.
from Challoner:
[9] Except it be: In the case of fornication, that is, of adultery, the wife may be put away: but even then the husband cannot marry another as long as the wife is living.
-
Your quote agrees with Tiffany. If six months elapse and you IGNORE the situation, you lose your right to separate, but confronting the adulterer is an option alongside expulsion as stated in the last phrase.
This excerpt does not address whether or not a repeat offense would be handled differently.
Then I am happy to be wrong because it covers my situation all the more. I had a repeat offender and after being told to forgive over and over by an irresponsible priest I finally had enough and cut him loose.
I apologize Tiffany. I should not have assumed that you didn't understand the canon. And it was me who didn't. There's that whole log/splinter thing!
-
Can someone please shed some light on this:
Matthew 19:
6Therefore now they are not two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. 7They say to him: Why then did Moses command to give a bill of divorce, and to put away? 8He saith to them: Because Moses by reason of the hardness of your heart permitted you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. 9And I say to you, that whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and he that shall marry her that is put away, committeth adultery.
from Challoner:
[9] Except it be: In the case of fornication, that is, of adultery, the wife may be put away: but even then the husband cannot marry another as long as the wife is living.
Thank you MaterDominici.