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I should preface what I am about to say by stating that I was not taught about the faith by my (ineffective) parents, and so if I end up saying something stupid, wrong, or coming across as a retarded layman, you know why.

I know very little about what heaven is supposed to be, but I was told that in heaven we will be 'perfected,' that our worldly elements would be 'washed away,' and that we won't be changed into different beings entirely but merely purified.[I don't know if this last part is even in Catholic theology] But that is not enough. (This is not going to be some vent post, so I will spare you a sob story) I am fundamentally unsalvageable. Preserving any amount this thing that is me would be to leave me imperfect. I am sure this is some sort of heresy that I am saying, and that I am probably automatically excommunicated (but then again, I am a layman, so I am probably wrong still).
Years of interrogating myself and my nature has led me to believe that I am, on a fundamental and inextricable level, flawed beyond words. If I am still 'me' in heaven then I am still flawed because if we are not transformed into new beings then I would still be a version of my previous self, albeit elevated.

Having decisively lost in life, and being inferior in every way to the next person, if I am made to persist I will, despite God's fullness, still be lesser. I have attached a shitty diagram to show it, but I don't know if the diagram will show or not (yes I know God is infinite, so imagine the yellow as infinite; but that still means to examine the person as a creature one must go back to their defining nature, which is in my case the Life of the Chud).

So I am left with the dilemma of the self: either I am unsavable (no justice), or I am forced to persist as a fundamentally inferior being (no justice).

Reading back what I wrote I feel like I was babbling, but I hope I was intelligible. This has been my first, and hopefully last, post.

I should preface what I am about to say by stating that I was not taught about the faith by my (ineffective) parents, and so if I end up saying something stupid, wrong, or coming across as a retarded layman, you know why.

I know very little about what heaven is supposed to be, but I was told that in heaven we will be 'perfected,' that our worldly elements would be 'washed away,' and that we won't be changed into different beings entirely but merely purified.[I don't know if this last part is even in Catholic theology] But that is not enough. (This is not going to be some vent post, so I will spare you a sob story) I am fundamentally unsalvageable. Preserving any amount this thing that is me would be to leave me imperfect. I am sure this is some sort of heresy that I am saying, and that I am probably automatically excommunicated (but then again, I am a layman, so I am probably wrong still).
Years of interrogating myself and my nature has led me to believe that I am, on a fundamental and inextricable level, flawed beyond words. If I am still 'me' in heaven then I am still flawed because if we are not transformed into new beings then I would still be a version of my previous self, albeit elevated.

Having decisively lost in life, and being inferior in every way to the next person, if I am made to persist I will, despite God's fullness, still be lesser. I have attached a shitty diagram to show it, but I don't know if the diagram will show or not (yes I know God is infinite, so imagine the yellow as infinite; but that still means to examine the person as a creature one must go back to their defining nature, which is in my case the Life of the Chud).

So I am left with the dilemma of the self: either I am unsavable (no justice), or I am forced to persist as a fundamentally inferior being (no justice).

Reading back what I wrote I feel like I was babbling, but I hope I was intelligible. This has been my first, and hopefully last, post.

Maybe you need a good confession? So many incredible saints began their journey with a good confession. Here is a story of St. Vincent Ferrer seeing a former lost soul ascend to heaven shortly after making a good confession. Story starts at 14:15.

I should preface what I am about to say by stating that I was not taught about the faith by my (ineffective) parents, and so if I end up saying something stupid, wrong, or coming across as a retarded layman, you know why.

I know very little about what heaven is supposed to be, but I was told that in heaven we will be 'perfected,' that our worldly elements would be 'washed away,' and that we won't be changed into different beings entirely but merely purified.[I don't know if this last part is even in Catholic theology] But that is not enough. (This is not going to be some vent post, so I will spare you a sob story) I am fundamentally unsalvageable. Preserving any amount this thing that is me would be to leave me imperfect. I am sure this is some sort of heresy that I am saying, and that I am probably automatically excommunicated (but then again, I am a layman, so I am probably wrong still).
Years of interrogating myself and my nature has led me to believe that I am, on a fundamental and inextricable level, flawed beyond words. If I am still 'me' in heaven then I am still flawed because if we are not transformed into new beings then I would still be a version of my previous self, albeit elevated.

Having decisively lost in life, and being inferior in every way to the next person, if I am made to persist I will, despite God's fullness, still be lesser. I have attached a shitty diagram to show it, but I don't know if the diagram will show or not (yes I know God is infinite, so imagine the yellow as infinite; but that still means to examine the person as a creature one must go back to their defining nature, which is in my case the Life of the Chud).

So I am left with the dilemma of the self: either I am unsavable (no justice), or I am forced to persist as a fundamentally inferior being (no justice).

Reading back what I wrote I feel like I was babbling, but I hope I was intelligible. This has been my first, and hopefully last, post.

I changed the story a bit so that it applies better.

The Abbot Theodosius tells us the following story of what happened to himself when he was a young man:

"One day, when I was at my prayers, I thought I saw by my side a person who was surrounded with a bright light, brighter even than the sun. He took me by the hand and said to me: 'Theodosius, come along with me, for you have to fight to gain a crown.'" 

Then it seemed to me that he led me into a large hall full of people, who had come to see the fight. Some of them were clad in white, like the one who had brought me, and others wore dark garments and were dreadful to look at.

When I was placed in the middle of the hall, I saw standing there a monstrous negro man of massive size and strength who looked just like me. The man who had brought me to this place said to me: 'This is the one with whom you have to fight.'

I was filled with great fear at these words, and I answered: 'O sir, it will be impossible for me to overcome this monster, for he is so much stronger than I am; no man on earth could conquer him!'

But he replied: 'You must fight with him: I brought you hither for that very purpose. Go, then; attack him courageously. I will stand beside you and help you; be not afraid.'

When I heard these words I advanced towards my enemy. He was indeed very strong, and certainly would easily have gained the victory over me; but my guide came to his assistance, and the monster was soon overcome.

As soon as he fell, the people in the hall who were clothed in black began to cry out in dismay, and fled in haste, but those who were clad in white sang a beautiful hymn of joy in honour of him who had helped me in the fight. Then they came forward to the place where I stood, and congratulated me on my success. 'Come with us,' they said to me, 'and dwell for ever in our beautiful home, where you will be filled with happiness which will never end.'"

As soon as I entered their dwelling, which was beautiful above all I had ever seen, or had been able to imagine, he who had led me to the fight, and who had helped me to gain the victory, put upon my head a beautiful crown, and said to me that this was the reward he had promised, and that it was now mine for ever, because I had overcome my adversary. I knew full well that it was he who had truly overcome the monster, but He didn't seem to mind.

The monster is what you're describing and don't worry bro, God is boxing for you.