Author Topic: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done? (Read 45197 times)

Änσnymσus · « **on:** November 25, 2024, 12:53:56 PM »

Hello,

First time mother of a 15 month old girl. I have no one else in the house to help except my husband who works from home, he can help a little during the day but of course not a lot.

I’m having a very hard time balancing taking care of the baby and giving her attention with keeping up with the household duties (cooking, cleaning etc.). She’s gotten to the point where she’s very clingy and wants to be around me all the time.

I have a playpen in the living room but it’s not in view of the kitchen, so if I put her in it we can’t see each other while I’m in the kitchen and most of the time that will get her irritated and starting to fuss.

I do have a gate in the kitchen so she can be with me inside, and I’ve been doing that a lot, but then she gets very clingy and wanting to grab my legs and wanting me to hold her etc. It’s very hard to get stuff done carrying her or with her holding on to my legs and of course it’s dangerous if I’m cooking.

A friend who had 8 or 9 children basically told me that you’re supposed to make sure they’re clean, fed, and then just leave them somewhere safe while you get stuff done and just periodically go and check on them, doesn’t matter if they’re fussing or crying, just leave them there and get things done.

I haven’t had the heart to do that yet and honestly it gets me very anxious and irritated to be hearing her fuss and cry, so I’m constantly in this situation of doing something, getting interrupted by her, tending to her, playing with her a little, going back to try to finish something, then starting all over again. It’s a vicious cycle.

I don’t know if this is part of the cross of having children, that you’re going to HAVE to leave them and hear them crying all the time while you do your duties. I see no other way because otherwise I get slowed down a lot and can’t finish all I have to do.

HELP!

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #1 on:** November 25, 2024, 12:59:21 PM »

OP here.

Same thing for naps: I can waste a lot of time trying to get her to take her one nap of the day, because she doesn’t fall asleep by herself, so she mostly falls asleep either nursing or rocking her.

So: do I just ignore her if she doesn’t want to nurse and let her basically collapse whenever she does?

Gray2023 · « **Reply #2 on:** November 25, 2024, 01:00:59 PM »

I would wear them on my back using an ergo carrier.

Something like this.

Gray2023 · « **Reply #3 on:** November 25, 2024, 01:06:31 PM »

Quote from: Änσnymσus on November 25, 2024, 12:59:21 PM

OP here.

Same thing for naps: I can waste a lot of time trying to get her to take her one nap of the day, because she doesn’t fall asleep by herself, so she mostly falls asleep either nursing or rocking her.

So: do I just ignore her if she doesn’t want to nurse and let her basically collapse whenever she does?

I would put mine to bed and check every 15 minutes. I would either use a shoosh pat method or pick up put down. These ideas come from the Baby Whisperer book.

I know it is hard. There on many options. You just have to find what works best for you and your baby.

Prayers for you and your family.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #4 on:** November 25, 2024, 01:15:15 PM »

I’ve done it both ways. I’m a mom of 8 with one on the way. My husband was insistent that I let one of my babies cry it out all the time. He was number 4 and I had very little help. I was obedient and did what he asked. Now that child is very anxious and has very little compassion for others where my other kids are more compassionate, confident , and loving.

I usually roll my eyes at everything modern psychology suggests but one thing I think they do have right is to let your child know you are there when they are crying. Sometimes they need a hug and then they are off and running again. My younger ones are very confident kids. I wish I had done the same for all my kids. Now, there are times when you can’t tend to them. Don’t worry about that. If they need to cry some so you can get a shower or get dinner done, it’s ok! As you have more kids, the older ones are great at helping to entertain the younger ones and they are not nearly as clingy. But sometimes they do need reassurance that you are there. From ages 0-3, especially. Also, they are only little once. As I get older, I have come to treasure all the snuggles because they grow up fast. Don’t sweat the chores too much. Just my opinion.

The Mrs · « **Reply #5 on:** November 25, 2024, 01:16:45 PM »

Quote from: Änσnymσus on November 25, 2024, 01:15:15 PM

I’ve done it both ways. I’m a mom of 8 with one on the way. My husband was insistent that I let one of my babies cry it out all the time. He was number 4 and I had very little help. I was obedient and did what he asked. Now that child is very anxious and has very little compassion for others where my other kids are more compassionate, confident , and loving.

I usually roll my eyes at everything modern psychology suggests but one thing I think they do have right is to let your child know you are there when they are crying. Sometimes they need a hug and then they are off and running again. My younger ones are very confident kids. I wish I had done the same for all my kids. Now, there are times when you can’t tend to them. Don’t worry about that. If they need to cry some so you can get a shower or get dinner done, it’s ok! As you have more kids, the older ones are great at helping to entertain the younger ones and they are not nearly as clingy. But sometimes they do need reassurance that you are there. From ages 0-3, especially. Also, they are only little once. As I get older, I have come to treasure all the snuggles because they grow up fast. Don’t sweat the chores too much. Just my opinion.

That was me.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #6 on:** November 25, 2024, 01:39:32 PM »

Quote from: Gray2023 on November 25, 2024, 01:00:59 PM

I would wear them on my back using an ergo carrier.

Something like this.

Unfortunately I have diastasis recti from the birth that hasn’t healed yet, so carriers are out the question as I get a lot of pain very soon. I have tried several different carriers already. The fussing and crying seems to make this worse for some reason.

How I wish I could wear her. This has been a very heavy cross because many women I’ve asked have told me that they would wear them to get things done, but I’ve never been able to.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #7 on:** November 25, 2024, 01:42:35 PM »

Quote from: Gray2023 on November 25, 2024, 01:06:31 PM

I would put mine to bed and check every 15 minutes. I would either use a shoosh pat method or pick up put down. These ideas come from the Baby Whisperer book.

I know it is hard. There on many options. You just have to find what works best for you and your baby.

Prayers for you and your family.

The issue is getting her to fall asleep. Once she does fall asleep she usually sleeps around 2:30 hours, so that is great.

Thank you for your prayers!

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #8 on:** November 25, 2024, 03:23:45 PM »

Number one duty is mothering. To hell with the housework. If anyone complains, hand them a mop.

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #9 on:** November 25, 2024, 09:28:05 PM »

Quote from: Änσnymσus on November 25, 2024, 03:23:45 PM

Number one duty is mothering. To hell with the housework. If anyone complains, hand them a mop.

Alright, here you go....(hands you a mop.)

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #10 on:** November 26, 2024, 01:44:38 AM »

Most chores you can come and go from and just get done as much as you can.

The one that was always the most difficult for me when I only had younger children was cooking. You can't always just walk away and there's usually someone waiting on that food to be done.
So, for cooking time, one thing I did was to pull the high chair up close to my work area, lock them into it, and then give them safe things out of the kitchen drawers to explore. Another option would be to give them something to eat as well. Putting something into one of those mesh feeders will keep them busy for quite some time... even if it's just an ice cube.

Talking or singing to them while you cook works pretty good as well. The more entertaining, the better.

Another option in nice weather is to put that playpen outside and open the window between you & it. Little ones really like to be outside and might not notice you're not right next to them for just a little longer than usual. If you're located where I am, this week is perfect for that, but much of America might have to wait until after winter.

I did a little baby wearing with my first baby, but never really took to it, so don't let not wearing your baby make you feel like there aren't other possibilities.

MaterDominici · « **Reply #11 on:** November 26, 2024, 01:45:10 AM »

Quote from: Änσnymσus on November 26, 2024, 01:44:38 AM

Most chores you can come and go from and just get done as much as you can.

The one that was always the most difficult for me when I only had younger children was cooking. You can't always just walk away and there's usually someone waiting on that food to be done.
So, for cooking time, one thing I did was to pull the high chair up close to my work area, lock them into it, and then give them safe things out of the kitchen drawers to explore. Another option would be to give them something to eat as well. Putting something into one of those mesh feeders will keep them busy for quite some time... even if it's just an ice cube.

Talking or singing to them while you cook works pretty good as well. The more entertaining, the better.

Another option in nice weather is to put that playpen outside and open the window between you & it. Little ones really like to be outside and might not notice you're not right next to them for just a little longer than usual. If you're located where I am, this week is perfect for that, but much of America might have to wait until after winter.

I did a little baby wearing with my first baby, but never really took to it, so don't let not wearing your baby make you feel like there aren't other possibilities.

me ^

AMDGJMJ · « **Reply #12 on:** November 26, 2024, 07:01:11 AM »

Quote from: Änσnymσus on November 25, 2024, 12:53:56 PM

Hello,

First time mother of a 15 month old girl. I have no one else in the house to help except my husband who works from home, he can help a little during the day but of course not a lot.

I’m having a very hard time balancing taking care of the baby and giving her attention with keeping up with the household duties (cooking, cleaning etc.). She’s gotten to the point where she’s very clingy and wants to be around me all the time.

I have a playpen in the living room but it’s not in view of the kitchen, so if I put her in it we can’t see each other while I’m in the kitchen and most of the time that will get her irritated and starting to fuss.

I do have a gate in the kitchen so she can be with me inside, and I’ve been doing that a lot, but then she gets very clingy and wanting to grab my legs and wanting me to hold her etc. It’s very hard to get stuff done carrying her or with her holding on to my legs and of course it’s dangerous if I’m cooking.

A friend who had 8 or 9 children basically told me that you’re supposed to make sure they’re clean, fed, and then just leave them somewhere safe while you get stuff done and just periodically go and check on them, doesn’t matter if they’re fussing or crying, just leave them there and get things done.

I haven’t had the heart to do that yet and honestly it gets me very anxious and irritated to be hearing her fuss and cry, so I’m constantly in this situation of doing something, getting interrupted by her, tending to her, playing with her a little, going back to try to finish something, then starting all over again. It’s a vicious cycle.

I don’t know if this is part of the cross of having children, that you’re going to HAVE to leave them and hear them crying all the time while you do your duties. I see no other way because otherwise I get slowed down a lot and can’t finish all I have to do.

HELP!

I can empathize with you...

We have a 5 year old, 3 year old, 1 year old and I am about 18 weeks along with #4. Life is a whirlwind with little ones and you have to just do your best to try and survive. 🤗

I definitely find that it is nearly impossible to keep on top of everything. I try and prioritize dishes and laundry. I usually start a load of laundry every morning when I wake up (our 5 year old still often wets the bed).

I get up at 5:30 am in general to give me time to get dressed, pray my morning prayers and get mentally, physically, and spiritually ready to face each day.

The boys wake up anytime between 6-7:30 am. We usually start breakfast at around 7:45 am so that my husband can eat and get to his office by 8 am.

Usually we have easy over eggs and toast. Now that there are 5 of us and each person eats 2 eggs, it takes 2 pans of eggs to make breakfast in the mmorning. I love cooking but it is hard with kids. The boys usually have to be right there watching everything and trying to help. I have 2 tall stools for the older boys to sit on and a step stool for the 1 (almost 2 year old). I literally have barely enough space with them surrounding me to cook but watching and seeing what is going on keeps them happy. We have lost eggs to the floor and had some cooking accidents but in the end it is better than them screaming and fighting the whole time. 😅 🤣

After breakfast I usually let them run around for about an hour while I catch up on dishes and as much as I can around the house until 9 am. (Some days I get almost nothing done because the youngest needs attention).

At 9 am I start school with our 5 year old (almost 6 year old). I used to try and do school with him while the other boys sat at the table with us and with the youngest on my lap but eventually with the growing belly it has just gotten too hard. So, I give the younger two a movie in the family room while I do school now. At this point thankfully school usually only last a half an hour (unless our oldest is not focusing and then it can take a hour or more).

After that we have a snack around 10 am and I try and send the boys outside or let them play while I fold laundry for a few minutes. I count myself blessed if I can clean one room a day (though we sweep the dinning room after almost every meal).

As for sleeping... When we had just one child I used to lay down with him for naps but once we had 2 and the older son stopped napping, I had no choice but to figure out some sort of sleep-training. Our 21 month old usually has one 30 minute - 2 hour nap once a day. I take him upstairs, lay him down in his bed give a kiss, turn on a fan and walk away. At first I would give them 15 minutes to sleep and then check on them and eventually half an hour. If they aren't sleeping by then I try again in a couple of hours. I start this around 6 months and usually by 12-18 months they go down for naps quite easily.

It does get easier over time as they get older. (Except that in my case we have always had another baby soon after the toddler was more independent.) 😅

Hang in there! 🤗🙏

Änσnymσus · « **Reply #13 on:** November 26, 2024, 09:12:09 AM »

Quote from: Änσnymσus on November 25, 2024, 01:15:15 PM

I’ve done it both ways. I’m a mom of 8 with one on the way. My husband was insistent that I let one of my babies cry it out all the time. He was number 4 and I had very little help. I was obedient and did what he asked. Now that child is very anxious and has very little compassion for others where my other kids are more compassionate, confident , and loving.

I usually roll my eyes at everything modern psychology suggests but one thing I think they do have right is to let your child know you are there when they are crying. Sometimes they need a hug and then they are off and running again. My younger ones are very confident kids. I wish I had done the same for all my kids. Now, there are times when you can’t tend to them. Don’t worry about that. If they need to cry some so you can get a shower or get dinner done, it’s ok! As you have more kids, the older ones are great at helping to entertain the younger ones and they are not nearly as clingy. But sometimes they do need reassurance that you are there. From ages 0-3, especially. Also, they are only little once. As I get older, I have come to treasure all the snuggles because they grow up fast. Don’t sweat the chores too much. Just my opinion.

Remember crying is the baby's way of communicating there is a need not being met, hunger, thirst, sickness, pain, discomfort, etc. If the needs are not met, then they know that Mom and dad cannot help or do not care.

The Mrs · « **Reply #14 on:** November 26, 2024, 01:26:06 PM »

Quote from: Änσnymσus on November 26, 2024, 09:12:09 AM

Remember crying is the baby's way of communicating there is a need not being met, hunger, thirst, sickness, pain, discomfort, etc. If the needs are not met, then they know that Mom and dad cannot help or do not care.

Yes, I wish I had a “do over” with my child that I let cry it out. We don’t get do overs though, but hopefully others can learn from my mistakes. Thank you for the good point.

Author Topic: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done? (Read 45197 times)

Änσnymσus

Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Änσnymσus

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Gray2023

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Gray2023

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Änσnymσus

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

The Mrs

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Änσnymσus

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Änσnymσus

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Änσnymσus

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Änσnymσus

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Änσnymσus

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

MaterDominici

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

AMDGJMJ

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

Änσnymσus

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?

The Mrs

Re: Am I supposed to just let the child cry to get my duties done?