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Author Topic: Am I being a snowflake, or am I entering an abusive marriage?  (Read 4251 times)

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Änσnymσus

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Re: Am I being a snowflake, or am I entering an abusive marriage?
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2026, 07:54:03 AM »
I've known this man for a while, and even though we were long distance, we spent time together when we had days off, I've visited his family and he had visited mine. He wasn't a practice Catholic before we met, but he started to go to traditional Mass. But he doesn't have much spiritual life other than going to Mass. We're engaged and I believed it was the right thing to do for me to fly into his home country and live with his parents while preparing for marriage. We have arranged with a priest as well but we're far from the priest so it's difficult to arrange meetings.
Well, things started to go kind of crazy.
First of all, his parents started to show hostilities and nick picked every little thing (not just about me, they've been doing that to him his entire life). This was a known issue but they were not doing that when I visited the last time. Now we're being constantly harassed and requested to both move out in a couple weeks, which force me to go back to my family due to obvious reason of the Catholic teaching against cohabitation before marriage. It certainly didn't help when he's actually the one complaining and cussing about his parents all day to me and his other family member, and getting stressed out, but he refused to mention that to his parents because "it is their house". His mother actually mocks at him for remaining chaste before marriage implying I'm taking advantage of him.
And then naturally we spend more time together now. I started to feel that he is treating me without any consideration with all kinds of excuses but also blame me for the consequences, and make me not feel like treated as a human being but more of an annoyance or accessory, and taking care of my basic needs (he pays his parents for my housing, food, getting around) was a favour that I need to be grateful for (he says to me that he's being too nice to me for carrying my bags and no other man in the world does that), then also things happen he gets frustrated, then he applogises, and then he continues again over and over again. He never got physically violent. Are not beating a woman and doing some basic things for woman like carrying her bags etc. really deserve to be some big selling point or that's just normal human being??? Am I actually losing my mind?
And there was one day we're going out and he needs to stop by the company for a meeting first, which would take an hour or two. He wanted me to wait for him in the car in the parking lot during the meeting. I asked if he could drop me off at a nearby coffee shop to wait for him, which he agreed to initially until he found out we were running late because, well, he didn't have it planned out right and got up late. And then he started yelling at me about importance of his job and he's going to be late because of it etc. on our way to the coffee shop. And yes he was late, so he told his family and kept scolding me that I made him late for work because I wanted to go to the coffee shop. And that "normally" people could just wait for him in the car or drive his car around but I couldn't because I don't have a driver's license (I never had to drive before). He called me a snowflake that couldn't do little sacrifice for him though he did everything for me. And that he did the same for his ex but at the end it didn't work because she wasn't appreciative, which totally sounds like a threat to me.
I don't know what's going on anymore. My spiritual life is suffering because I couldn't find peace to pray and read. I don't know if those things are normal things that every couple needs to deal with. I'm going back to my family soon and I don't even know if I should go back to get married anymore. Should people voluntarily pick up the crosses knowing the crosses that'll be coming from their spouses?
Why do you even want to be with this guy? He's not Catholic and you don't seem to like him all that much. It's not like it's hard to find someone being a woman.

Änσnymσus

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Re: Am I being a snowflake, or am I entering an abusive marriage?
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2026, 07:56:51 AM »
If you have a drivers license back home, but you're in another country now, that's different.
But even then -- if you move there, and a few weeks pass, you should try to settle in if you plan on staying there (as opposed to going home right now).

So much of what I said still stands -- but yes, it's different if you're new to a country.
How long does it take to get a license in this unnamed country? If you have a license back home, you must know how to drive, so passing the drivers test should be easy.
Matthew, it's probably a long time ago for you or because of where you grew up, it was natural for you.
To get a driver's license in the states, you need residency first. You need to have a permanent address, and apply for a permit. We don't have an address we can use because both of us are getting booted by his parents. I'm talking about the kind of parent that the mom stabbed his father once in the past in a heated argument in front of his children. We got shouted at 7am in the morning just because I used their address to receive a mail. Then we're talking about $1500/month rent here to for each of us when we both move out and if I decide to stay. That's why we believe it'll make more sense that we'll work on all the necessities AFTER marriage because we need to move and everything. And yes it could be easy, I'm not sure, I learned driving from the driving school, but I haven't driven for years, which is not that big of a deal because it's just a matter of time. I'm not asking if I should get a license, but if there's something wrong with this relationship that I should've known.


Änσnymσus

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Re: Am I being a snowflake, or am I entering an abusive marriage?
« Reply #12 on: September 07, 2026, 08:02:51 AM »
Why do you even want to be with this guy? He's not Catholic and you don't seem to like him all that much. It's not like it's hard to find someone being a woman.
A lot of trads have this big hesitation with dating apps that I don't really understand, they're not ideal but it's the same as Matthew said about driving a car, there's not really much options. But if you really don't want to use them, use that one matchmaking thread and that social media thing MaterDominici started. I can almost guarantee you'll get a suitor.

Here you can also filter by traditional Catholics: Discord catholic dating servers and Duolicious.

If you're older there's Facebook groups. In the States there's even Facebook Dating but I don't know if you can filter there.

Änσnymσus

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Re: Am I being a snowflake, or am I entering an abusive marriage?
« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2026, 08:04:46 AM »
You sound like a pain in the butt but, if you're cute, I might be interested. ;)

Seriously, though, it would be best if there is a trusted 3rd party who knows both of you to seek advice from on such an important matter. I'm not questioning your honesty but people do filter things through their own viewpoint. It is always, "there's her story, there's his story, and then there's the truth".
I wish the same too, which is why I think it's important to arrange meeting with both of our family. And at least when we did that last time everything seemed to be fine and our families liked us, even though my family did find him being a bit neurotic but still didn't think that'll be an issue for us. Seriously, we both had big hopes for this marriage and excited to start a Catholic family life and thought everything would be fine, until recently things just seem to explode. 

Re: Am I being a snowflake, or am I entering an abusive marriage?
« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2026, 08:12:09 AM »
What exactly do you bring to the marriage? If your husband-to-be is resentful of you being traditional, chaste, and a homemaker... Why exactly did he pick you when there's thousands of girls who will cohabitate before marriage with him and happily enter the workforce instead of staying at home?

I agree these are BIG red flags. If you were my daughter I'd be getting you to move on.