Hobbledehoy
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Hey!
So, I have to report to Jury Duty. I have sought the counsel of family, friends and acquaintances regarding how to make sure I do not get selected for a trial, since such a thing might be catastrophic for me because I would be basically loosing the money I could have earned at the construction sites that alone can pay the mortgage and utility bills (and back taxes).
Here is a miscellany of advice that was given to me:
1) "Pretend to have OCD. Oh, wait... you do have OCD!"
2) "If the lawyer or the paralegal who's gonna interview you is a female you can say, 'Ma'am, I can't pay attention to your questions because [insert misogynistic remark here]'"
3) "Just take a copy of Mein Kampf to show them."
4) "Cite the Scriptures!"
5) "Quote St. Alphonsus!"
6) "Tell them that the fact that the possibility of defaulting on your mortgage [again] if you're chosen for a lengthy trial will definitely distract you during said trial."
7) "Start reading aloud from the Rituale Romanum."
8) "Wear a huuuge Miraculous Medal."
9) "Dude, just talk like the way you write, the lawyers wouldn't want over-schooled dorks like you."
10) "Start pretending you're in Victorian England."
11) "Speak with a thick heavy accent: try a Scottish-Puerto Rican mix."
12) "Start bad-mouthing the Unions."
13) "If the Jury selection committee is composed of women, try one of those lame pick-up lines."
14) "Start telling random anecdotes that don't have a point and go on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on ,and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, etc. You know, like you always do..."
15) "Don't wear a tie and jacket: dress like you're going to work as a journeyman. They might take you to the Mission to get you some food since you dress like a homeless person at work."
16) "No, dude, wear a tie and jacket, or, even better, a bow-tie: over-analytical looking nerds are as repulsive to unscrupulous L. A. lawyers as they are to the women."
17) "When they greet you respond with a smile and say, 'Hello earthlings!'"
18) "Just carry a Rosary: devout Catholics are anathema in the Masonic legal system."
19) "Talk about the Three Days of Darkness."
20) "Just be yourself: trust me, they won't pick you. Your number may not be called anyways."
So that's pretty much it. There were other pieces of advice, but they were too inappropriate to post, or they involved major violations of hygiene.
If you have more tips, you're welcome to add to the list. This thread may help you someday when you are called to Jury Duty.
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 Posted Sep 26, 2011, 3:35 am |
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